Long time no see eh?
I was busy, busy, busy, but today is the Israel Independence Day and I partied so hard last night, so I can sit back, relax, and finally write a post.
So what I actually wanna say today is that about a month ago, I came down with a stomach virus. those of you who knows me personally would know I am Emetophobic. Which means I have a phobia of vomiting and everything related to that. I have been suffering from the age of 9, for 15 years, from anxiety attacks.
So when I was sick last month, I was so devastated and helpless and I just couldn't understand what did I do to deserve such great suffering.
Now this must sound crazy to you but having a fear of vomiting is not your usual phobia where you can avoid, let's say snakes, or crowded places and staying home. This fear is the fear from yourself, your body, of losing control. and there's no escaping from yourself, and there's no relief. vomiting can occur at any time, any place, to you, or someone else, you can catch a virus literally everywhere. It's a game you can't win.
It's like hell. And when you're sick it virtually impossible to handle it.
So when I was sick last month, I reached to a conclusion.
I decided I was not gonna let this fear take it's control over me anymore.
Or any other fears that limits me and my actions through life. and i have so many of those too.
This decision wasn't and isn't an easy one to follow, but I can say that the first step I took was try to step out of my comfort zone as much as possible. I even had the idea to document some of those moments and make a video about it once in a while, so let me know if you'll be interested in seeing that.
So yesterday there was this independence party I thought about going to, but everything I ever did on independence day was shitty, so I had no expectations. I came with 2 friends, the party was outdoor, and it was OK at about 3 A.M the music got real good but my friends wanted to go. I wanted to stay and dance till the sunrise. I met there a friend who studied Japanese with me and we hanged out and danced until about 5 and then he wanted to get back home.
So there I was with this dilemma. I had never been to a party alone, I feel weird even if a friend at a party goes to the bathroom. It's not just that, I used to die out of hunger when I'm outside and I wouldn't sit at a cafe or restaurant to eat something by myself. but I guess a lot of people are like this. So I thought to myself: "Hen, here's a great opportunity to step out of your comfort zone, try something new, explorer your body's capacity at dancing for hours on end, and what can possibly be so bad about it? I can go home at any second, no one can harm me, so what the heck?"
And I made up my mind to stay at this nature trance party, not knowing anybody, depending on my own body to warm me by dancing, at least until the sunrise.
And so I did. The first thing I did while alone was socializing, going to other people's fires and hanging out with them. I can't believe myself.
The dancing part wasn't that easy though. I felt awkward from time to time because of my long arms and I had to get them moving too because they were freezing. But I tried hard to ignore my stupid thoughts and just try to connect to the music and let my body go with it [I sound like such a hippie right now :|]. I danced and danced and I didn't stop and people were like "look at her" "check her our man" and all that, and I thought to myself how I could do this just by being vegan, not needing any alcohol or drugs. maybe just food :)
Eventually the sun came up and it started raining so I went home.
I'm so proud of myself for staying alone and stepping out of my comfort zone, and I had a great time!
Dancing like this was so liberating... I have to do this more often! I guess that was my own little independence day :)
Now I'm a pile of tired mess. I slept only 6 hours after dancing for 6 hours, and I'm with my laptop in bed, resting and watching wayne's world :)
Happy independence day Israel!
And remember! Killing and enslaving living creatures and burning their flesh is not how you celebrate independence. Here's to vegan hot-dogs!
Thanks for reading and I'll see you in my next post!
XOXO
Hen
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