1 Month Into Traveling in Thailand - A Rollercoaster of Emotions

I was planning to blog so much more, and I even have a couple of posts from Bangkok and Chiang Mai describing shit I done and felt, but it just wasn't something I felt right about publishing.

Even the food pics I take here I feel that by posting them I let off the wrong impression of thailand as the fruits in israel taste so much better. And moreover, I didn't feel like writing anything or be involved with anything online cause to be frank? I felt like shit more than half the time. I was planning to vlog as well, most of the time at least, and I didn't have the energy to do so. That made me feel disappointed in myself. I came here to thailand to explore and a big part of my plan was to get my youtube and blog into a more settled routine. That did not happen and when I noticed I was beating myself up for not doing so, it made me feel worse. So I just accepted that fact and went on.

 

I wanna start in bangkok but lets just go backwards from now. I am now in Pai. Sitting in the kitchen of my guesthouse. A kinda hippie and indian vibe is going around me, and I don't really connect to it, but I feel that that's much better than feeling unrelated to a bunch of seriously happy people being excited about every thing that goes around them and just seek approval from others while not approving of anyone themselves. So even though I don't smoke or drink I actually feel more connected to the people here. I got here 2 days ago, after 2 weeks in Chiang Mai. 

 

The ride to Pai was horrible. No other way too put it. Its the most curviest rode I've ever witnessed and it took 4 fucking hours. I was mainly afraid of the motion sickness people claim to have on the way here, as you know I have a massive fear of vomiting, and I was delaying going to Pai for that reason only. I was scared I would feel bad during the ride and of course from others feeling bad during the ride. I decided to come here quite spontaneously after debating going to Koh Pangan in the most expensive time of the year. When the taxi arrived to pick me up I immediately knew I'm gonna have problems with the Chinese girl that was already in the cab. She looked in so much pain, I knew shes gonna get carsick. I was constantly looking out for her, if anything happens or if she feels worse, and it happened quite fast.

She vomited into a bag not even halfway, and I was panicking. The fact that I couldn't run away from this thing happening in front of me was excruciating. I was trying to relax and tell myself that this is not about me, it cannot hurt me, and that I am perfectly fine. I gave her an anti vomiting pill, and by the second time she threw up I was almost ok with it, mainly because it was outside the van, and because I accepted the fact  that I'm panicking and that that's ok. Generally, just accepting whatever is going on around me makes things a lot easier. But that very hard to do when you're a control freak. 

So we made it to Pai alive and I found this nice guesthouse, I rented a bungalow, and went to explore around a bit. Pai is beautiful. as all of Thailand, the nature here is overwhelming, and all that shit, but to be frank, I felt so depressed yesterday, I was seriously lying in bed for several hours, not wanting to get up at all. It really came down to the fact that I realized I was not gonna be happy anywhere unless I am genuinely happy within myself.

 

Cause I kept on going from place to place, thinking that the problem was in the place and not with me, maybe it was just the heat in Bangkok, or the shitty fruits, or the fact  that I was sick, or staying too long in Chiang Mai, or maybe I just need to go to Taiwan and everything will be better than. But thats all a bunch of bullshit isn't it? but its very hard to grasp when you're feeling like hell and feeling that amazing gap between what you thought will be and facing reality is much different.

Being a borderline personality I usually suffer from big expectations that lead to a huge disappointment when those aren't met. And when you travel, everything is so much more intense. Senses are heightened, everything is in large scale. when you feel bad its terrible and when you feel good its fucking amazing. I think that it all went downhill since Bangkok. 

2 major things happened. I was sick, and I was sticking to one person for too long. It made me feel out of control and unable to take care of myself. I was literally shitting myself all day and I was miserable. At the same time I was spending too much time with the same person, and I just needed some time for myself to recuperate and get my shit together. Literally. When I separated from the dude I felt better but then I was still sick and I couldn't get over it, nothing I did made it better and I was trying to have fun anyway, do stuff and explore but in the end I was miserable. 

On my last day in bkk I was so depressed I was just lying on my couchsurfing hosts carpet and just crying and cursing Thailand and just wishing things were different. It was a mixture of things. My sick stomach, a sting I got from an unknown something that made me freak, and getting electrocuted. That minute I decided on taking a night bus to chiang mai. As if the problem was with bangkok....

 

When I got to chiang mai I felt like I was home. Trees, great weather, I could actually see the sun, less pollution, and much more fruits. But then I had a coconut at a restaurant, and the waitress started throwing up in the kitchen. The despair I felt was incredible. It just blew up my illusion that it was location dependent. I was exhausted from panicking, cause needless to say my panic attacks sky rocketed since I started traveling., so I just accepted my fate, and went to sleep it off. After a night in the crazy night bus it was certainly needed. 

In Chiang Mai I did some couchsurfing at a nice expat from Ireland, and then I slept a Joe's from best transformation big fruity house for a few days. It was a nice experience living with so many fruit bats, but I was thinking about renting a place there until the fruit winter festival, and just the thought of staying in one place for so long made me so depressed I couldn't function.

 

Since then I switched a couple of places, got tired from Chiang Mai and then fell in-love with it all over again, and decided on going to Pai. Even though I'm still not my best physically and mentally, I accept it completely and I am trying my best to be on the move, take care of myself and trust my instincts. I am very proud of myself and my decisions and I will continue to do my own thing :)

Peace

Henya

 

What's in my minimalist backpack, what to bring to a flight as a hclf vegan and more

Hello Maniacs!

Here are a few videos I did on what I'm taking with me as a minimalist for a long term travel experience in asia!
I made a review of my backpack - The Osprey Tempest 40, and showed everything I packed with me here.

In this other video I show you a more detailed version of what's in my minimalist backpack.

Also for us HCLF, raw till 4 vegans I made a video of what to bring to a long flight to not end up starving in a metal box flying in the air in between countries.

so make sure you watch the videos and I'll be coming up with new videos asap.

Peace,

Henya

Important Life Lesson I Learned From A Trip To The Dentist

trying to smile with anesthesia :)

Hey Maniacs!

Only three days to my flight to Thailand and i had to take an unexpected and expensive trip to the dentist yesterday. 2 years ago I had a filling break on my salad and I wasn't keen on going to the dentist at all. in general I hate doctors and i think that the modern medicine is lacking through and through. I despise the feeling of helplessness I get when I'm in pain or sick and especially I hate when I supposedly don't have the knowledge to heal it, and someone else holds it for me and tells me what to do, as if we're not talking about MY body and MY aches.

I had plenty of times in which I took the courage to head over to a doctor, and got a real bad treatment that usually made me more sick or sick in a different way [for example, the endless cycle of antibiotics - candida], accompanied by a really disgusting approach that the doctor treats me as a straight up idiot who cant fend for herself and they obviously know everything about me and my body. 

With the dentist it's a whole other story. not only the dentist sucks big time and cant get a friggin filling to last for two weeks, but the whole procedure is horrible. having someone stick his stinking gloved hands in my mouth makes me feel completely out of control, and my emetophobia [fear of vomiting] also relates to that feeling [as to everything really]. And if that's not enough, I've had dental issues since birth, because my mother had to take some kind of medicine before my birth and it literally messed up my face. the most recurring response I get on my youtube channel is about my teeth, and it was always like that in school when other kids would make fun of my teeth. having my teeth completely fixed was too expensive for my family and i learned to accept that these are my teeth, and that's how its gonna be. But even now I don't smile with teeth when taking pictures.

Somehow over the years  even developed a specific teeth phobia, not dentist phobia, but the fear and extreme aversion  from teeth and everything related. I got to a point where i wasn't able to watch those toothpaste commercial on tv and youtube. the actual thought of teeth and dental procedures was immensely distressing for me.

A few days ago I was enjoying a guava fruit when a damn seed got stuck in my broken filling-cavity thing going around my mouth somewhere, and it took me forever to get it out. in the meanwhile, the seed made my cavity even bigger and got my remaining amalgam filling to drift from my tooth. 

Being a hypochondriac, I started investigating about amalgam filling and started asking in fb groups about doctors who take out amalgam filling in a safe way, cause they contain mercury which is a seriously dangerous metal that definitely shouldn't be in our mouth and  needs to be taken out in a way that we don't absorb and breath it and get cancer and shit.

So after crying a few hours for feeling helpless from the fact that someone else holds the key to my health, and from knowing that i'll have to let someone touch my mouth and drill my skull, I decided to relax the fuck up and just accept it. from the second I had my resolution on, I stopped crying and I somehow detached myself from the person I was imagining having  a dentist appointment the next day. 

Now I'm not saying dissociation is the way to go, I am way too unattached to my overall being and I don't recommend my way of handling things, but this dental experience was different from other experiences I had. I didn't really feel any fear when I first entered the dentists room, I mean, I was scared, but not anxious. does thas make sense? Anyway, the dentist and assistance were so freaking nice! it shocked me even. I was crying and a bit hysteric at first but they really went through everything they did and I felt like I gained my control back. They even played a daddy yankee video for me on to help me feel more comfortable and relaxed. 

I had 2 amalgam fillings replaces to white ones, and I felt so brave and empowered from going through with that, that I went back after a few hours and got another filling done on the other side. 

I am so so so proud of myself for going through with this, and taking care of my body. I'm very happy I don't have mercury in my body anymore and that my teeth condition is good in general. even though i eat 90% carbs haha! but seriously, taking care of ourselves and our bodies is so important! we don't have any other home to live in! and  even though its temporarily,  its our only place and the only thing we truly own. I definitely rather pay more for a better dental experience with a private doctor and not having a disastrous metal in my mouth.

I  must say, that I don't how I will react if I'll need to go to the dentist again, and I don't think that just deciding to relx and go on with things will cure your phobia or whatever, but it's definitely good to face it. I had other fears like water and vomiting and I did actually try to face them head on, but it still didn't work. even after vomiting and after trying to swim for the first time, I'm still very very afraid of it. nevertheless I'm really happy I could have an experience of coping with a fear and getting through with it like a normal person, and not like it was for me with other fears, that weren't getting the reaction I wanted when facing them. Kind of gave me hope that one day I could get rid of all my phobias. No matter what, I'm gonna fight for my right to live a fearless life.

What I Eat in a Day On a Raw Till 4 High Carb Low Fat Vegan Lifestyle to Stay Energetic and Skinny

Hello Maniacs!

I'm very excited about my new video. I always wanted to do a what I eat in a day video for you guys, but I'm such a lazy mofo, only since I started writing my recipe ebook I got my recipes to look less of a mess. I am a complete slob and nothing in the process of making my food looks aesthetic. but I really wanted to make a video showing what I eat in a typical day, the amounts of food and the calories I eat on this raw till 4, high carb, low fat, vegan lifestyle. especially now because I'll be in Thailand next week and I won't have all the usual fruits that you can get anywhere, and I probably won't be able to cook for myself for awhile.

This is what I ate on Tuesday 11\11\14, which was actually my 26th birthday :)

Morning:

1 liter of water

Breakfast: Fruit salad

500g crimson grapes = 345 kcal

300g pomegranates = 249 kcal

4 kiwis = 168 kcal

1 cup orange juice = 111 kcal

Total of 873 calories

Lunch: 1 liter green smoothie

7 bananas [3 frozen] = 687 kcal

5 dates = 332 kcal

5 lettuce leaves = 23 kcal

1 cup mint = 17 kcal

Total of 1060 calories

Snack: 3 bananas

Total of 315 calories

Dinner: Crispy potato wedges with guacamole dip 

1 kg potatoes = 770 kcal

0.5 avocado = 160 kcal

1 tomato = 22 kcal

1 spring onion = 4 kcal

lemon juice

1 spoon of chili flakes

Total of 957 calories

 All in all, total of 3205 calories, 54g of protein, 757g of carbs, 26g of fat.

Calorie breakdown = 87/5/7

As you can see I get plenty of protein, it's actually more than 0.8g of protein per kg of my body weight. I also get all the vitamins and mineral I need, and I can be sure they are being absorbed well because I don't eat stuff like salt, caffein, and other things that can harm the assimilation of micronutrients in our bodies.
Even though I eat a lot, I don't get fat and I'm even losing body fat and getting leaner. my energy all day was up the roof, only before my 3 bananas snack I got very hungry and I needed my fix. I wasn't really active that day, went for a slow walk in the mountains and met a dear friend of mine. but nothing I would classify as exercise. when I do exercise I will eat more than this.

This is a very typical day for me. I usually have at least one smoothie cause it make smashing in the calories fairly easy, and my other fruit meal a fruit salad or a mono fruit meal. right now my favorites are persimmons and cherimoya <3 I usually have 2 big meals and 1 small snack and a 500-1000cal dinner like I had today, or on busy days I'll have 2-4 huge fruit meals and a 500-1000cal dinner.

I hope you guys enjoyed seeing what I eat in a day, I'll definitely make more of these videos when I'll binge on tropical fruits in Thailand.

Asian Studies BA Degree? Sayounara!

Hey Maniacs!!!

I am super excited to tell you guys that above all odds, I made it! I finished 3 years of university!

I went earlier to hand out my last 2 big ass papers, and that is it! 3 years of a lot of mixed emotions have come to an end.

It was a little nostalgic walking around university and thinking about how I was when I first started my studies. Gosh, I was so god damn different. I was trying so hard to conform, to let go of the “crazy” image I had about myself, and I was very excited to start a new thing. I even remember trying to hide most of my tattoos and get rid of a few piercings. Heck, I was “studying” normal people on the post office, on the streets, and tried to imitate them, what they wore, how they acted, their tiny necklaces and ballet flats...

From the beginning I wasn’t going there to get a degree, I was all about learning Japanese, and maybe at the end of uni get a scholarship to japan, but that was the end of my hopes, as I was just healing from a long battle with eating disorders and severe depression. I couldn’t imagine I would become what I am today!
Never would I imagine I’d have a blog, a youtube channel, friends who love me and I love them, and such a different attitude towards life.

At the beginning of my second year, I got so distracted by the need to create, I was really absorbed in my videos and I didn’t want to go on with my studies, but I was too scared to quit cause I feared I might fall back into severe depression and kill myself.
I had the same dilemma as I started the third year... I even made an "I quit University" video back then.
 Looking back, I don't know if I should have quit or not, but considering the last to years of school were absolute hell, I am very proud of myself for sticking to the end.

           

To tell you the truth I wasn’t sure I was going to make it until a few days ago, where I had the majority of my paper written. I didn’t know whether I’d have the ability to force myself doing something I hate for so long, and it did take its toll on me.

Since last October, I became more depressed than I was in the last few years, and stopped uploading videos frequently. Heck, I probably uploaded 4 videos this last year. I just didn’t have it in me. Part of it was due to when I was in Berlin last year. I was so busy with living life rather than filming them, that a part of vlogging seemed pathetic to me. I also started thinking, why would people wanna see my videos? I am cute, funny and enjoyable, but I don’t really give an added value to give nor do I have a niche that people can relate to. Besides, I was always a bit embarrassed to vlog in public, and talking to a camera in your own room does seem a bit weird when you’re not doing it frequently. There is also the language barrier. Obviously English is not my native language, and even though I can write OK, I pronounce myself much better in Hebrew than in English, and its pretty difficult for me to vlog in English fluently.

I do have some of these thought in my head now, when I actually do plan on going back to vlogging and blogging regularly, I am pretty spooked out and I'm not really sure what should I do. Especially now that I have so many new interests I'd be happy to talk about and that I am leaving Israel to go travel Thailand.

BTW, brace yourselves, cause I have a ONE WAY TICKET to Thailand on the 24^th of November!!!

I am even more spooked out about this whole thing. I am actually leaving everything I know to go and explorer a new place and a totally new lifestyle. Remember that on my Midburn post I told you guys I want to create a life for myself that I wouldn’t be depressed to come back to after a festival? So this is me following that plan.

I sold a heck of a lot of the shit I owned, but I'm gonna use these next 2 months to sell all the rest and get ready and say goodbye to the people I love, and get back to a bit of vlogging and I would like to write a raw till 4 recipe ebook, or at least take the pictures as I still have a good camera and computer before getting rid of them.
I can't wait to start backpacking with only a few essentials and start exploring the real things in life, not what a bunch of bozos write in their academic books and not working for a bunch of bozos who get all the profit from the work that I do, and live in the race of purchasing shit I don’t need.

Well, a pretty exciting period is in front of me, I’ll try to keep you guys posted :)


Peace
Henya

MIDBURN 2014

Hey Maniacs! 
I just came back from an AMAZING experience in every way possible. I spent 5 days in the Negev desert in the Midburn festival - the Israeli Burning Man. I don’t quite know how to even start expressing what I've been through, but I just can't sleep and can't get the playa out of my head.


At the first day I was so anxious to get there, I was driving and picking up some people who were supposed to come, and I had to carry so much shit with me, cause I'm doing the raw till 4 diet now [more on that on a different post]. I brought 5 kilos of dates, 4 watermelons, ton of bananas, veggies and stuff to cook for my cooked dinner. I brought other fruits bet they went bad so fast and filled my car with such a stench!
So anyway, I came to the playa by myself. No friends, no camp, no nothing. Radical self reliance in its best. At first it was because non of my friends wanted to come, but in the end I wanted to go alone and put myself out there, outside my comfort zone, even though in some ways being alone is exactly my comfort spot.

Iv'e been to other festivals in which I brought food to cook and bread and peanut butter and all those festival foods, and I have to say that preparing the fruit and eating it was so much easier and funner than eating a peanut butter sandwich with canned corn and half raw pasta. Moreover, it was so satisfying and filling, gave me a TON of energy to dance and walk around, and saved me so much time. When everyone else were cooking in their camps, I would eat half a watermelon and go dance right after without being too heavy to need to friggin rest. Besides, fruits have so much water content, I didn't get dehydrated once! In comparison to a cooked lunch you eat in the heat, that takes water from your body to digest and doesn't add its own water. So no wander people need rest after such a meal, and a lot more water.

I picked up a few hitchhikers from jerusalem, one of them is Shawn Saleme, who writes also for the Visual News blog! Such a chilled and down to earth person, very happy I met him. I put up my tent with the hitchhikers at our own camp, and went out to explorer.

Me, Shawn, and the hitchhikers. the car was packed!!!

The playa was unbelievable. The art installations were incredible. The man, which was a man and woman installation combined, was very impressive, but my favorite was grampa. So beautiful and well build, just look at the pictures. The person who made the installation was as expected – very nice and friendly. I couldn’t find more about him online though. He was excited to burn it, but in the end granny stayed foot, probably had a change of heart. Anyway his name is Faluja. If you find anything bout him let me know!

Me and Faluja wth grandpa in the back

On Friday the atmosphere in the playa was very special to me. To sun was going down, and the desert lit up with such beautiful colors... it really felt like the end of the festival. Me and some new friend were sitting and looking at the sunset and I came down in tears. I felt like something inside of me died. A feeling that was immensely increased when the man was burned. As the sun went right behind those desert mountains and the darkness started creeping, I made up my mind to create a life for myself that I wouldn’t be sad to come back to after a festival.

The sunset on friday

Now that's a very controversial thing for me to say, because I'm so used to just surviving, that being happy sometimes sounds like bad word to me. I always had some disrespect towards those who are happy, or at least claim to be. They look so naive, or simple minded, even stupid to me. They live in denial, believe in god, release all responsibilities from them, and mainly, haven’t had a life even close to what shit I've been through. I'm so used to life being this shit load of crap just piling on top of other crap layers that hadn’t composted yet. Shit on top of shit on top of shit. But life on the playa felt so damn good. Chillin at day, or dancing, eating fuck loads of fresh fruit, talking to people, dress up in funny costumes, enjoying nature and the desert, I mean, life definitely looked like this once. No money, gifting, community life, fuck I wanna go back.


After they burned the temple, I was a friggin mess. It was sunrise, complete silence on the playa, such a huge difference between burning the man and the temple. I wasn't as sad as I was when burning the man but it wore me down and eventually I found myself walking around camps, just wishing I could meet anyone to keep me company. I felt such an urge and it was terrifying, to think that I NEED someone, and not just rely on myself, but I guess that’s the difference between surviving and living, eh?
I went to some camp and this wonderful guy immediately gave me such a warm hug. I asked if I could crash on the couch, cause I couldn’t just start a conversation. I was crashing on the couch, and this other guy from the camp brought another couch so I would have room for my feet. I know it wasn't something special for him, but I was so fucking grateful for him and for what he did, I started crying non stop for hours.

The temple and the man

Why? Why would anyone help me? Moreover, why don't they hurt me? I'm so accustomed to people who talk shit to me, take advantage of me, use me and hurt me, and this guy helps me out with such a small and unnoticeable gesture? I was dumbfounded.
I wanted to come up to him and hug him and thank him and I don’t know what, but I wasn't able to. I just couldn’t. [so for the super slim chance your'e reading this - I FUCKING LOVE YOU MAN!]


I'm still digesting and trying to comprehend this whole thing, and the burning man experience in general, but no doubt, this burn was a thing ill never forget. After crying my eyes out, I went to the granny installation for a bit, just to have some time with this awesome peice of art. as I was appreciating that glorious installation thing, I got this incredible urge to built and create things, to make something of my own, to just do. I just hope I won't lose this energy to the mundane life I'm living right now..

grandpa♥

Well, to sum it up, I met and befriended so many awesome people! I still have my social skills apparently :) I danced so much, so long, so happily, dressed or fucking topless, with shoes or barefoot on the boiling desert sand. I even got blisters from the hot sand, and I got a bad sunburn. I'm so happy. And sad. Fuck. Look at the pictures already, would ya?!

The playa

DUST, see it, breat it, eat it, drink it, dust every-fucking-where

The whale being constructed

all finished :)

Friday sunset and the man

the man at night

Burning the temple

And we're gonna let it burn

Awesome people!

Craig and me

The man turning to a pile of ash

You got BURNED

Skeleton

The temple

Recording A New Song In The Big City!

Maniacs!

Good morning wherever you are:)
In a try to write more in my blog I'm writing this post from the bus!
on my phone..hope I don't get nauseous..

So a lot has been going on lately music-wise.
Yesterday I was working on recording a new song I wrote with the producer who recorded my vegan style, Assaf Halevi, and tomorrow we're filming a music video for the new summer hit song "Star Away", by Denis Kravtsov and me:)

it's all very exciting and I can't wait to get it going..

So stay posted via my facebook, twitter and my youtube channels :)

See ya!
LOVE
Henya